The Generation X Files

Can you keep a secret?

The average person holds about thirteen secrets at any given time, five of which they’ve never told anyone else. Well, I say that…but, they might have told me… 😳

For as long as I can remember, strangers have confided in me. I used to think I just had a face that whispered “tell me your darkest secrets”. But, I found out recently, it’s actually a thing called The Bartender Effect.

Apparently, my ‘neutral vibe’ (and perhaps holding eye contact just a tad too long) is effectively a neon sign reading, “Emotional support available 24/7 (Unlicensed).”

It’s not just that I’m a good listener; it’s that humans are wired to treat secrets like a velvet rope at a club – they’re the first way we ever define who is ‘in’ and who is ‘out.’

Having a secret is like a private room in your brain that only you have the key to. But as it turns out, learning how to keep those doors locked is a skill we have to practice.

For children, keeping a secret is a major developmental milestone. While they start to understand the concept around age 3-4, the ability to actually hold one in (especially a surprise for someone else) usually doesn’t fully click until they are age 6-10.

But humans aren’t the only ones who learn to keep things hush-hush. If you’ve ever walked in on a dog who looks guilty, you know animals have secrets, too! (Even if science suggests that ‘guilty’ face is just them trying to appease us because they know we’re about to find a chewed-up shoe!)

Sometimes though, animals use secrets as a high-stakes tactical manoeuvre. Take the Plover, a shorebird that performs a full-blown dramatic performance by feigning a broken wing to lead predators away from its nest. It’s the original secret agent – deceiving the world to protect its home!

When the urge to keep a secret moves from an individual action to a closed circle however, we enter the world of secrets that shape history.

Whether they’re actually controlling the world or just running highly-exclusive book clubs, secret societies are the original ‘influencers’…

1. The “We Know Better” Club (The Intellectuals)

• The Freemasons: The world’s oldest closed fraternity. They claim to be stonemasons but mostly enjoy networking, wearing lambskin aprons, and invoking the “Great Architect of the Universe.”
• The Rosicrucians: Developed in the 17th century to sound mysterious. They essentially claim to hold “esoteric truths” while discussing alchemy and occultism.

2. The “Let’s Control the Narrative” Club (The Puppeteers)

• The Illuminati: Founded in 1776 to stop church interference. Now, they are mostly known for brainwashing celebrities and influencing the back of the American $1 bill.
• The Priory of Sion: A 100% elaborate hoax created by a French prankster in 1956, yet many still believe they are guarding the Holy Grail.
• Skull and Bones: Yale’s “Bonesmen.” Notorious for their windowless meeting space (The Tomb). And an alumni list that just so happens to be jam-packed with US Presidents and CIA Directors.

3. The “We Hold the Keys” Club (The Mystics)

• The Golden Dawn: A 19th-century group that specialized in Egyptian-themed magic. Their greatest feat was convincing intellectuals they’d unlocked the universe through theatrical LARPing.
• The Bilderberg Group:  The high-stakes version. A private yearly summit where the Davos crowd meet to “discuss the world” (and definitely not plot a new world order over champagne that costs more than a local’s yearly salary!). It’s the only place where CEOs, presidents and royalty agree that the real threat to humanity is not having enough privacy to …talk about taking away our privacy.

But, here is the truly absurd part. I’ve barely scratched the surface with that list. I could go on…and on. We haven’t outgrown our need for secret societies; we’ve just traded the hooded robes for suits and ‘The Tomb’ for data centres.

In an era where we can track a pizza delivery in real-time, you’d think the age of hiding things would be over. Instead, we’ve built a global industry dedicated to peering through everyone else’s curtains.

Governments alone are spending staggering amounts to keep the tradition alive. For the 2026 fiscal year, the U.S. National Intelligence Program requested over $81 billion, with military programmes adding billions more. That’s over $114 billion a year just to keep and uncover secrets!

We’ve traded the “secret handshake” for encrypted servers and high-altitude drones. It’s the same old human impulse. The same school playground mentality of “I know something you don’t know” – but with a much higher price tag!

It’s a strange paradox. We spend our entire lives carefully curating our “private rooms” (building those mental walls the second we get to school). Only to spend trillions of dollars as a species trying to find a crack in someone else’s!

We are biologically hardwired to be nosy. To our ancestors, “spying” on the neighbours was a survival strategy; today, we’ve just traded the berry-hoarding for social media scrolling and digital curtain-twitching!

The modern “secret society” isn’t just a group of dudes in a windowless Tomb anymore. It’s a global network of satellites and servers all designed to play a high-stakes game of “I spy”.

In the end, maybe that’s why strangers still talk to me. In a world of encrypted chats and billion-dollar surveillance programmes, a neutral face is a rare relief.

We’re all just looking for a safe place to set down the heavy baggage of our secrets…before we head back home to peer through our blinds.

So, if you spot me in a café and feel the urge to confess? Go ahead. I’m significantly cheaper than a therapist and I promise your secret is safe with me!

And you know, even if the Illuminati themselves sent me an invitation, I’d decline. I spend enough time listening to people’s drama for free. I certainly don’t want to pay monthly dues to do it while wearing a hooded robe and doing a funny handshake. I have standards!

Citizen Jane x ✌️

Enjoyed this peek behind the curtain? Drop a comment below with the weirdest “secret” a stranger has ever told you. Don’t worry, my lips are sealed. (But, who knows who else might be watching…). 👇